List items accomplished: 0...nice, Kassie.

The only thing I'm any closer to attaining on my little mess of a list is the church part. I attended Mass at a Catholic church in Abbeville this past Sunday called St. Mary Magdalen. I admit I went there first because I had been before and it was in my comfort zone. While I felt like it opened my eyes a little bit, I'm not sure if it's a complete fit for me. The more I think about it, the more I feel like I need to stand on my own when it comes to my faith and my spirituality. Maybe read some more books and get more information. I don't want to settle on this church because it's comfortable. That would fall into the category of "How I react to everything in my entire life and always have." I stick with the comfortable. As in, I settle. I haven't given up though, I'll fit in somewhere and figure out my faith as I'm figuring out myself. And with both things, It'll take time.

I have increased my book collection, by 4 since the last time I've posted, which is alot for a couple of days. This should hold me over till my Amazon.com order comes in.

I have a sneaking suspicion that in the company I will be in tonight, I will laugh until I cry quite a few times. That one won't be crossed off though, because I'd much prefer to do that as much as possible.

On that note, I can say that things are getting better. I am staying busy and I'll go entire parts of my day without thinking about him, or thinking badly about myself. It's nice. It's needed. I am actually quite proud of how I'm handling the overwhelming feelings I'd been having for as long as I'd been having them. Frankly, that was getting pretty old.

As far as the blind date thing, my friends have made it clear that any blind dates they could set up would be much more enjoyable if I were, in fact, blind. Thanks, guys. I hadn't asked their help anyway, but for some reason when a girl is newly single, that means she must rush into a relationship with any other non-suspecting male. Not my style.

I promise my next post will be more interesting. I'm going to tackle my first list-item head on. I have decided training for a 5k will be it. Couch to 5k book has been wiped free of dust and tomorrow it will begin. After a coffee date in the morning, and possibly a few other errands, the treadmill and I will be as one. We'll be spending alot of time together, which should be mighty interesting considering what a bitch I think she is. Till next time..

And so it begins..

I decided to write this blog a really long time ago. I'm only writing it now, and I'm trying not to make myself feel bad about that. What you'll learn about me, if you continue reading this thing, is that I'm really, really hard on myself. But I'm trying to work on that. I'm trying to work on a lot of things, which is the main reason I'm starting this blog. It's pretty much for me, but I hope it can make some of the readers (like I said, if there are any) happy, or at least bring a brief little moment of happiness to you. Happiness is what this will be all about.



Sadly, a lot of us don't really step back and take a good hard look at our lives until things aren't going well. With me, that's pretty much what happened. I graduated college in May, and got the job of any new graduate's dreams. I wasn't expecting to get a job this good right away, so it was a happy surprise. I had a boyfriend of almost 3 years that fully believed I was going to marry. We were looking at houses, had kids' names picked out, and I had just moved in with him. I loved his family, and grew very close to his sisters. I have one sister, but she's younger and from my dad's third marriage (that's a whole other story), so I embraced them and they embraced me. I felt a a part of something. Moving out of my mom's house made me get along with her a lot better. I met a new group of friends that seemed to be a whole lot more like me than most of the friends I had acquired before, and they were so much fun to be around. I was happy. The problem with all of this is that my happiness came from making everyone else happy. When he was happy, I was happy. When I did well at work, I enjoyed the praise. All of us do.

It wasn't until all of that came crashing down on me, all at once, that I realized something about myself. I suppose that sometimes, in order to figure yourself out, you need some type of catastrophic event to make you look at things differently. Maybe not, but if so, this was it. Work became completely overwhelming. To the point where I'd realize after an hour of staring at my computer screen in complete paralysis, that I wasn't getting anything done. I didn't realize the pressure would be so much and I felt bad about myself because I thought that I should be able to handle this, and I couldn't. Then, my relationship kind of starting to crumble, and I was so busy worrying about the other things I didn't realize it was ending before my very eyes. Several miscommunications took place that made the new group of friends I had kind of doubt me. I wasn't myself. I moved back in with my mom and it was a constant battle with her. Normally, when we did this to one another, I had this big strong man in my life to make it better. I didn't have that anymore. For some reason, he didn't want a thing to do with me now. He still doesn't. I'm going to be vulnerable and say that I struggle with that a lot.

I don't feel good enough. I feel like we're told our whole lives we're "good enough" and we "deserve better" but then I question if I am. I am to the point where I feel absolutely defeated. I want to be good at my job, then I feel like I should be better. I want to be a better friend, but I have all these issues I'm dealing with. I know, I know, we all have our battles. But I don't feel particularly strong right now and don't exactly know how to deal with all of it. I can honestly, and gratefully say I really haven't experienced a ton of traumatic things in my life. So, all these bad things at once are just getting me down, and I don't feel happy. I feel alone even though I know I'm not.

I want to be happy again. Happy people attract other happy people and who doesn't love a goddamn happy person? Anyway, I struggled for a while with how I'd get myself out of this hot mess I call life and be happy again, and stay happy. I know that that is completely in my hands and I'm ready to do something about it. I want to know where I'm going and what I want out of life, and know that I am completely capable of getting there.

During one particularly sleepless night (there have been a lot), this random idea came to me to come up with a list of things I've always wanted to do, but never had time because I was always too busy trying to impress, tend to, or worry about someone else. I'm going to be selfish. I'm going to do things that make me happy and learn who I am on the way. Yeah, I don't know who I am quite yet. I'm 23. Call it a pre-midlife crises, so what. So, at about 12:30 one night, the list was constructed. The first draft, anyway. It wasn't very long but there were some important things there, and since then, I've added a couple more.

I will pause here and say, after you read this, if you think that you can help me achieve any of these items, or that you can direct me in the right place, I would love to hear from you. Also, if you have anything you think I may be able to add to my list that you think I might really love, feel free to contact me. Yeah, I'm supposed to be "discovering myself" but it doesn't mean I have to do it without any help.

So, here goes nothin'...

1. Start a conversation with someone (a stranger) who looks like they need a friend.

2. Find a church I love and feel at home at and attend mass regularly.

3. Become a runner again/train for a 5k.

4. Find a recipe and follow it, without throwing it away or thinking it's complete crap (FYI, I'm a terrible cook). If I fail the first, second, or third time, keep trying till it's good.

5. Visit Austin, Nashville, Boston, or D.C. (all places I've always wanted to go in the US. The Europe list wouldn't exactly be attainable right now..)

6. Write a letter to everyone that means a lot to me, telling them all they've done for me and how much they've helped.

7. Go on a blind date. (just for fun)

8. See an artist I really love and respect live.

9. Have a day out, completely by myself, and have a blast.

10. Find an author I love and read all the books they've written.

11. Increase the size of my book collection, drastically. (amazon.com will be my new best friend)

12. Cook a meal with someone great, male or female. (Wine will probably be included..)

13. Spend an afternoon with my grandma, while she teaches me a recipe she's made for me since I was little.

14. Laugh until I cry.

15. Send someone a thank you card for doing something really small. (Actually, send more thank you cards in general)

16. Read a biography of a strong woman. Take notes. (which one is to be determined)

17. Spend the day with my mom doing something nice for her.

18. Take a class. (any kind: cooking, painting, an instrument, etc.)

19. Make peace with my dad. (I don't mean literally with him, I mean with myself and that situation. I've decided the best way to do this is in the form of a letter that I will never send. Oh, and that is only because my father cannot read. Again, another story.)

20. Spend an entire day with my godchild, Parker.

I should also say that this project is not a race. I don't know when or if it will end. I imagine eventually I'll just be okay with doing things that make me happy naturally, and I won't give it much thought like I am now. I just think it's important for me in this part of my life to intentionally focus on each little thing I can do to add to the overall happiness I believe I deserve to feel, that's all. It may be silly but I think it'll act as a form of therapy for me to get over this little road block that I'll laugh about in five years.

Also I'll say that many of these things will be on-going, so a lot of my posts will be full of all the updates with my quest to complete the list, while adding to it as I come up with new ideas. I'll talk about the experience, what it made me learn about myself, and other nonsense I think of at the time.

I'm not trying to act like I'm some great writer like some of my friends are (really, really great, by the way) but I'm a very emotional person. I've always had this intense need to express myself, no matter what the repercussions. It's just who I am. I'm not the type to bite my tongue and deal with things silently, I basically need to scream it from a rooftop. Probably has a lot to do with my being an only child (growing up an only child anyway) with a family full of women who pretty much always had something to say. I don't know what it is, but I need to get things out. Bad things and good ones, so this will take care of that. I hope all of you enjoy and don't laugh at me too hard. Wish me luck...